just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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