How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
