I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
