I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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