my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
