I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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