Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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