things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
