Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
