If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
