I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize