i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
