I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
