Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
