I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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