We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
