We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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