So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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