At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
