I just pynch a tree in the face
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
