she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
