well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
where are my eyebrows?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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