as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
