I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
