about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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