I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
