Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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