how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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