The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just had sex on a roof
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize