I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
