I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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