Three words: puerto rican gang bang
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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