Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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