So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
