I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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