I wish my penis had an off switch
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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