i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
