I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
