he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize