You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
