i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
