Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
