just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
