I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
