How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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