whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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