Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
its liver damage thursday
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
