all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
