i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize