I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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