doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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