Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
