u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
