I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
