I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
