Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
