he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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