the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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