If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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