He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
